Zen Rocker

So I have become addicted to my happiness. I have also become aware of people I know who were clean and sober having gone back to drugs. That's hard to take. It's hard to know and especially since I know they were doing so well. And I know why they did it. I know life gets tough and things get crazy and tough to take,but when you have so many good things staring you in the face,choosing a self-destructive path will never make sense to me.
I will never be able to associate with them until they are totally clean. These are not people who can just smoke a joint or drink a couple of beers. These are people who have no boundries and will probably die from what they do.

Kind of like Chris's dad. The past two movies I worked on I was on boats,and all it did was remind me of him. I miss him a lot. A lot more than people probably miss their in-laws if they lose them. Because I have always been close to my in-laws,and they are my second family. Losing Richard was a big blow to me. I saw him as this wonderful man who made my husband into the beautiful guy he is today,the man I fell in love with. And even though Richard did what he did to himself,he was a good man,and loved his family. He just didn't love himself enough.

We're all addicts in one way or another. Some people just choose to be addicted to good things. I'm glad I chose that. I could have gone the other way and fucking ruined my life. And I know that I will always have faults and that I will always be human,I am glad I never went down that road. In the end because I could never have hurt myself that much,not to mention my family or my friends.
I miss the people I have lost to addictions. Some are not on this earth,some still are but will never be the people I once knew again. I mourn them like they WERE dead. And I don't think they really know that about me. I know I give off the attitude that I don't care,but that is only because I can't wear my feelings close to the surface. They have been trampled on way too much. But inside there is pain that I don't let anyone see. Sometimes I think they wouldn't even care. Most of the time they don't. Addicts don't care about much more than themselves,even after they get clean everything is about them. Even if it is to keep themselves from using,they will spend the rest of their lives caring more about themselves than anyone else on earth. That's a tough lesson to learn when they are your family and friends and you wish you could have the real them back.

So even though I know they won't read this,I hope dear friends that you come back again. I know you just got back into that life,but you can always come back. And maybe one day your true spirit will to.

:(

How do you keep calm? 
Submitted by L33tchica.  

1) Meditation
2)Singing(I am in 2 bands)
3)Writing,songs,short stories,poetry,working on a book.
3)Being with my husband and daughter. They are my center and they keep me grounded.
4)I breathe. I seriously breathe while counting,focusing on the counting till I feel calm again. I try to make it a game if I am really stressed,by seeing how high I can count.
5)Light yoga,focusing on the stretching. Loosening up and breathing works well.

Years ago I began a serious effort to make myself the calm,happy person I knew was inside. But it took breaking down negative walls that were up there since toddler hood.
But I tore them down,and you still find little ones that come up but once you are not that unhappy,worried person all the time it's not that big of a stretch to tear them down and be calm.
You just have to want it bad enough.
And I DID.
My life is my proof.

As if I didn't love Daniel Day Lewis already.
Dedicating his award to Heath L. at the SAG awards seemed very genuine and heartfelt,coming from him. And I am glad he did it. Not to NOT show honor to the other talented actors who have passed this year,but just because it is so fresh and many of the people there are his friends who are literally just having to face this thing publicly.
What a wonderful man to make that dedication,as Daniel is such a well-spoken from the heart man.
People are in pain,and we shouldn't turn a deaf ear simply because it is unpleasant or we don't know them.
In my circle of the world no one KNEW Heath Ledger. But we recognized him as talented man,who was obviously in enormous pain. And having that empathy keeps us human and not beasts. We need to remember that.
Anytime a soul leaves this world in torment or pain,we should feel empathy and compassion for them,even if we do not morally or ethically agree with how they contributed to their demise.
We cannot lose our ability to feel for each other.
We just cannot,because look what happens when we do...
: (

I get annoyed at people's balls. lol
What I mean to say is,I get tired of the balls people have to talk shit and take out their passive aggressive behavior on the internet-blogs,Myspace pages,etc. No one says what they really mean and it's typical. Personally,anything that you read that I make public for others to read,you better fucking believe I would say to anyone in real life. Anything I want to keep to myself,or a chosen few,I keep it that way. There is a private button you can hit if you want to keep things to yourself,but if you're not going to use it,don't be a punk,have the REAL balls to say what you mean,mean what you say,and direct it to the people it applies to.
I can't stand people who have all the guts in the world to say anything they want to a computer screen,but you KNOW that if they were confronted with their bullshit in real life they would cower like the dogs they are.
I think that is the WORST kind of passive aggressive behavior. And something I hate more than most other things about human behavior is the lack of integrity people have. That shit is just a lack of character.

Idiocy...and can I mention how funny it is that so many people's main motivation is hatred?
For everything I write about being annoyed,etc,I have more than enough happiness to go around.
Negativity breeds negativity. You think people would figure that out. But it just happens that a lot of people will take their negative habits and the hatred in their hearts to the grave.

Personally,I like the love.

What are five words you really like? 
Submitted by purplesque.

Yes
Moron
Love
Soul
Indeed

I wonder why people let themselves waste their potential? Another year come and gone and a lot of people are content with "just getting by",or doing "just good enough".
Fuck that.
I pushed myself this year and accomplished great things,and I will continue to do so because settling for anything is not in my nature.
Society would love to TELL me what I should settle for,so would people who don't have my best interests at heart. Because it makes them feel better to see people stay the same and not evolve and waste their positive potential,instead of going out into the universe and just kicking ass.
It doesn't mean you have to take over Wall Street,or take on 20 charities or measure up to anyone else's ideas of success. But the question is,are you even measuring up to your own?
Are you living life or getting by?
Fuck,I like LIVING life. Because if this is the one chance I get and I am wrong about the universe and reincarnation,then I want to know I went for it this time.

When did you really get to make a difference for someone else? 
Submitted by bodhibound.

Well,I know that it is cliche as hell,but as a mom I make a difference for my daughter. I have this incredible responsibility to raise a good person and not raise an asshole,lol,so I do the best I can to teach her well and hope that she takes the lessons and make something positive out of them.

My husband also thanks me for introducing him to some profound music in his life. We are musicians and live for music,so this is a big deal to us-finding new music and breaking musical boundries. So I made a difference in his life that way,not to mention giving him all the love I have inside me,my devotion and caring.

And I also like to think that despite the heartache I caused at various points in their lives,that I made mostly a positive difference in my parents lives by bringing them joy in my being here.

And when I sing with my band and someone comes up and thanks me for reaching them.

When I write and someone tells me I moved them(in a good way,lol).

When I counsel girls to get out of bad relationships.

Yeah,I think those things make a difference to somebody.

:)

Write,anyway.
Why does anyone do what they do? Or not do what they don't do? lol
Hmm,makes sense doesn't it.
I have been writing my ass off,but still not ready to put the bulk of it out there yet. I don;t know what I am afraid of. the worst that can happen is that people think it sucks. Boohoo,like I can't take that.
I'm pretty sure no one reads what I write on here anyway,no one ever did over on Myspace. But in the end I don't really write for other people,I do it for myself. To get things out of myself.
Right now I am compiling a list of places I want to submit my work for publication. This is a daunting task.
But I know of many incredible writers who do not get published in these places,so I know I cannot take it hard if I am rejected loudly,lol.
I am almost done with two pieces that I am going to make public here. Maybe someone will read them and like them.
But I feel good about them,and that would be the point of it.

Otherwise I am laying low and waiting for the holidays to fly by. I don't ever need an excuse to be with my family,and I do not celebrate these holidays,so this is a lot of pomp and circumstance to me. Not to mention an excuse for people to go bat shit crazy over gifts and traffic and a lot of other things that don't mean much.
But I do put up a tree and decorations for Cora because she does celebrate xmas. And in our house respect for different beliefs is taught and nurtured.
I wonder if the rest of the world will catch onto that idea?

"Vultures" is the subject of this post. And since I have to step away right this minute,I will have to come back to it. Plus I need to formulate exactly how I want to express where this title comes from.

It's interesting,but definitely something I'm sure others can relate to.

10:16pm and I am back to this.
Inspired by the song of the same name by John Mayer. Particularly the line,"...I walk through the fire if this is what it takes to take me a little higher,I come through like I do when the world keeps testing me...".

So completely relating to that I feel it in my bones.
That I'm tested over and over,and there is no rest in between the throws.
Do I stay inside myself or do I stand in front of the walls and dare them to knock me down?
Cause they cannot.
If they have not,they will not. And I will not let them.
Just as I always do,whether my ditractors like it or not.
No matter who wants me to fail,or who wants me to succeed.
Both I will only do on my own terms. In my own time,probably out of their eye line and in my own backyard.
Nothing I do will ever be good enough for the people that want to see me fail.
And those who want me to succeed should be happy that I have,in the terms I believe success comes under.

I will not be another girl strung up on her cross,crying for redemption from the soulless.
Or self-inflicting guilt everyday because even when I am happy I should be suffering somehow.
Why now should I be suffering somehow?
These are not the days of suffering for me. They are the days of metamorphosis and beautiful change.
When I feel pain I can only take it as it is and love it as much as the happiness,because pain is lack of love.
To never go back to the dark place,where vultures would pick me dry and where I care what they think,
I need to continue on,and clean my mind,feel the better part of a human life,and that it is only mine to live.

Embraced on a mistake

of incredible proportions

we make conversation to hide the uncomfortable

fact that we cannot relate

to one another anymore

of course there is no right or wrong way to go about this

no code of ethics,maybe guidelines

but they only help so much

all the uncomfortable ugly around us that we want

to push away and hide but we must face

everyday it is harder and harder to ignore

we would never speak our desire to just be left alone in our thoughts and forget the lunches,the

meetings,the drinks with friends. The useless chatter and the knowing,the knowing that it is all so useless.

Useless but maybe it is fun and much needed for our souls,maybe it gives some kind of touch between us all to keep a sense of humanity not yet spoiled or rotten.